Pump up the Volume

do you remember this old movie "pump up the volume"? it is a great 90s movie staring Christian Slater. if you have not seen it, see it. it really speaks to all generations, but mostly mine. it is about how much being young sucks because you have no voice. the main character creates a pirate radio station where he talks about how much life sucks and he inspires his peers.

after seeing the movie when i was young, i wanted nothing more than to start up my own station and to be heard. there are way too many voiceless people in the world, and being voiceless is synonymous with being hopeless.

but what makes this video so fucking great, is that it saw the future. back in 1990 when the movie first came out, i had seen computers and have "played" with them at school, but the thought of having one in my home (let alone having two like i do), was inconceivable. once when i was around that age, my dad brought home a computer from work for what ever reason. it was black and orange and had a "paint" program on it. that blew my little brain away. it was a luxury that i still could not foresee in my future. i was 12 when we got our first computer, and 15 when we got the Internet (dial-up of course). yes that is right, life did exist before the Internet. i first checked out youtube probably three years ago, and a year after that is when i first started a blog. by then, Google was a verb.

the point is, we now live in a time where we can achieve what that movie envisioned. we can speak out. but not just with in a limited broadcast range, but to the world.

but what that movie did not foresee is that we are still voiceless. because although we can say what ever we want, we are still unheard. the plethora of voices out there are so numerous that they drowned out each other. in essence, our freedom of speech has silenced us.

of course it is not all that grim. we are less alone than ever before. you can find someone with the same interests as you on the Internet and connect to them. you can finally be apart of a community. and yet we are isolated. we cannot connect to those physically around us any more than any generation before us, so we look to the cyber world and find our kind. but having a more vibrant cyber life than "real" life, is seen as deviant. we can finally find those that are like us, and even then, when we have solid proof we are not odd, or alone, we are still told we are deviants and feel isolated.

so be it!

My Parents Fucked Me for Life

so i am sitting here smoking a cigar drinking coke and rye and i had an apifiny....

i am smoking a cigar, which is bad for my asthmetic lungs because my parents smoked when i was younger and the smell sooths me..... yeah they smoked cigarettes, but gross, cigars are better..... and i am drinking rye because my dad and my uncles always sat around being funny drinking coke and rye being funny, giving me a sip now and then, reminding me of better times...... and it is probably the only good memory of my dad that i can grasp onto...........

but they fucked me up in so many other ways, i guess these are the least of my problems......

and i just realized that the major reason i want a child/children in the future is to prove that if can be done in a healthy fasion................................................................... but in fairness, i think that is the most common reason people decide to have kids....

Wow do i feel like an ass!

so you will notice that i am writing this the same day as the previous post about being upset that i cannot fall asleep at work. well now i feel like the prefect ass for being such a lousy employee! granted i am just a temp, and they hired me with no work to do, so what the hell else am i suppose to do? but i still feel bad.

today the staff went out for their christmas office lunch, and i was invited (which i found surprising, but a very nice gesture). the resturant was a really nice french resturant down town. three courses with wine. needless to say the food and service was excellent and the bill was really big. i had a great time, and now i feel bad that i am such a bad employee. to add salt to the wound, the boss here gave me a x-mas gift (really nice chocolates) and so did another employee. i had a good time. i think i better pick something up tonight for the office for tomorrow (my last day). some nice group thing they can all share.

the thing about temping is that it is sorta bitter sweet when you leave. you come to know some people and then poof you are gone. realistically that is prefect because after too long everyone is hate-able anyway. this job was right up there with one of the worst, but part of me is still a little sad to say good bye.

Morning Nap

my morning nap is not going well. i cannot get comfortable and fall asleep. granted it is a little hard to get cozy sitting at a desk, but it usually is not this hard. one of the things that makes going into work barable is knowing that i will have a morning nap to pass most of the day. my desk is so off in the middle of nowhere, i never have ANY work, and the phone never rings... it is the perfect situation. i usualy kill time till about 9:00 (i start at 8:30)... let everyone arrive... then i try to nap to at least 10:30ish. or if i wake up here or there then i can sleep to 11:00. after that it is nothing to kill a bit of time before lunch.

after lunch i am usually more energetic and can surf the net until 4:15 when i start to get ready to go.

almost done though.... after friday i am a full time student again!! :)

Fucking Hollywood

so i was walking to work from my bus stop, and as usual i took the route through stephan ave. the area is so beautiful normally, but especially so now that it is decorated for x-mas. walking threw there always remindes me of a movie. everything just looks so scenic. and today, unlike most days i decided that when i got to olympic plaza i would take a walk through there to get to my building, which is slightly less effecient, but i could care less about this temp job anyway... not to mention that i was early anyway.

and it was around about that time that i noticed how movie like my little avenue was. the closer i got to olympic plaza the more clogged the place got with trailers. movie production trailers. and a giant obtrusive spot light. clearly something with a budget was shooting there and not some canadian film.

this made me very angry. first they intruded on my pleasant morning, second they destroyed the natural "movie-like" beauty of the place by implying that it is just a movie set, and last, i just don't like rich hollywood assholes. a quick internet search confirmed this when i got to work. apparently Neave Cambell is shooting a mini series here in calgary. it is going to be really lame. some global-warming oil story that is filled with moral questions and lessons..... which is bullshit crap because we all know that Calgary (Alberta in general), has little to no environmental ethics.

i will have to snoop on my lunch hour and see if i can scam some free food. pretend i am an extra or something.

i got nothing...

sorry, i could not for the life of me think up a good title for this blog....

ok, i got something very serious to admit. i am a little ashamed, and embaressed..... but i have to put it down in writing..... i was wrong. this is very painful for me to say, but on later reflection, i think the 108 stop is actually the same distance or slightly closer to my home then the 107 stop. yep. i know you have got to be as shocked as i am right now, so just take a minute to let it germinate in your mind. see, the thing is that the 107 stop is around a bunch of buildings. i cannot see my appartment, but i know all the buidings and do not consider them far from my home. i have walk so many times between my home and video store my the 107 stop that it feels like a skip and a jump away. but the 108 stop is over the bridge and there is this forlooming field in the way. i can see where my place is and it looks so far away. it is really wrecking my brain. i am going to have to measure it out one day just to save my sanity!

new topic! squirals! hard to spell, but awfully cute. somehow even more so in winter. aren't they suppose to be hibrunating? or at least hinding? i thought they gather up nuts to store for the winter to then snuggle up in a alcove with them and avoid winter as much as possible. if that is the case i just saw two homeless squirals to today while walking to work. it would make sense. if you are going to be a homeless anything they tend to gather around where i am working right now. i have noticed that there really is a good side to downtown and a bad side. i use to work on the good side and now i work on the bad side and remember way people think down town is dirty and gross... it is! and i am sure it is a shear coincdence that the place i am working at is a skip and a jump (you know, the distance to the movie store, but then again who am i to judge distances!) away from a homless shelter and two places that are low charge tempoary living places. i do not mind the homeless people, it is the change in attitude of the area i do not like. it is dirtier and falling appart (the building i work in has toilets that only flush occasionally). and the people are more defensive and pushy.

oh well, after tomorrow only one more week until i am a full time student!!

Tick Tock

two point five more hours before i can go home. so that is like one hundred and fifty minutes. hmm, lets see if i can do seconds in my head... 9000 seconds, that actually was not that hard, but i had to write it numeretically to keep track of the decimal place.

wow that kill like all of one minute.

ever want to just sit in one spot and do nothing, just stare ahead into a void? i am in that type of mood right now. it is worth mentioning because i rarely feel like this. to coin bad religion, i have an overactive mind. of course i cannot just sit here and slip into oblivion, because that would look weird. and heaven forbid people think i am weirder than they already think i am.

i actually try to walk that line of just being me and damn the consiquences and trying to appear normal. but the problem is that i do not do it well. i think in many ways i would be better off just always being myself and being shunned from society.

.... sorry just slipped off there.... i know what it is. i am in the process of having a panic attack and i cannot deal with it so i am sub-consciously trying to put myself into a zen like state.... but all i want to do is go home cuddle up in my bed.... although honestly, when i get like this i would rather be in my bath tub with a ton of quilts with the lights on and the shower curtian shut. but i can't do that. for one i am stuck at work and two, i won't want to come back out.

i couldn't imagine being a full blown agoraphobic. when i do, part of me thinks it would be the greatest thing in the world, and the other part see the problems with the practicality of it all. hopefully someday i will have a job that will afford me the ability to endulge in my tendencies, but until then....

Hungover

wholly crap, i did not know it was possible to be this hung over. i feel like i need a new word entirely to describe how horrible i feel right now. and i didn't even drink that much. that is the part that i cannot figure out. and it was beer of all things. i have to drink till i puke to get a god hangover from beer. the only x-factor that i can think of is that, well i did not eat enough, but i often drink on an empty stomach, and i drank several different types of beer and a lot were home brewed.

all i drank was two pints (real pints) of my regular pub beers and then i think there was around 10 beers to sample, but we have just enough to taste it so it is not that much. all i can say is that i am glad i got a ride home because walking would have sucked. granted i love having a brewery within walking distance of my home, but in this weather i don't really like to consider it walking distance. as it is i have to pick up my car after work. although the good thing is that the 108 has a closer stop to the place then the 107, so i am set today after work. and i brought snow pant to shield out the cold.

god i feel like ass. i am quite impressed that i managed to force myself to go into work. yeah i know you think having a temp job where you have no work to do is ideal, but it is not. i have an over-active brain and have to keep it busy at all times. so it really sucks. that is one thing that sucks, whenever i get a ok or good job i blog less because i am not stuck doing nothing at a computer.

so back to how shitty i feel... the bus always makes me sick, even on the best of days. i get motion sick very easy. but today, wholly crap that sucked. i had to get off the bus early. i just kept getting sicker and sicker that i was scared i was going to puke so i hit the button and got off at the next stop. which was a good call because shortly after i got off i puked. luckily the stop i got off at had several buses that passed by and once i felt a little better i was able to hop on the next bus. i was not even late for work.

i was talking to one of my brothers last night and he said that he was drinking some of his home brew and it went straight to his head. he was like, 'after only two i was drunk'. so maybe there is something about home brew that it hits you harder. it makes sense i think. you would think that there would be more impurities, and i do not know how well novices are at controlling the alcohol level.

anyway, night. i am going to try to sleep at my desk with out getting caught LOL