so i am really depressed right now and am hoping to snap myself out of it later tonight. almost ten years ago my parent got divorced and it has fucked me up so bad that i do not know what to do anymore. yep, what a fucking cliche, another kid from a fucked up broken home with a father that never loved her. and now, a older brother that could care less if he ever spoke to me again. i am just to tired and fed up. what the fuck is wrong with my family. we all went through the same shit. knowing that, how the hell do they get off thinking that their pain is so unique and worse than anyone elses?? for fuck sake this is when you need a family the most, when you feel broken they fix you. will i loose every one of them one by one? i do not think i have the strength to deal much longer.
the worse part is that i am finally starting to feel like i am broken. i feel like i have become so cold to deal with this shit. i have trained myself to supress emotion. which means although i can kill the pain, i am not feeling joy either. i am tried of being numb. i just want to feel but know that i cannot let myself. i am scared that i would just crumble.
and it is hard to justify caring about yourself when so few others do as well. mybe some people are not worth caring about. i have been told i am one of those people. personally i would rather care about all life then not about any. why does that seem to be a minority feeling?
and i feel like i am the only glue holding my family together. and have been told as much by my mom. is this true or is it ego? if i can fix it, don't i have an obligation to? but what if i am not strong enough to do what needs to be done? i want to believe that it is something worth saving, but then again what the fuck do i know? i am just a fucked up little girl.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
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1 comments:
There seems to be too much weight on your shoulders...you need to put it down for awhile.
What makes you happy. Truly happy in a very selfish sort of a way?
There is always something that makes happy - could be anything. Do it.
Someone told me - you cant be happy unless you yourself are happy. Seems stupid I know. But it is true. You need to be happy inside to be able to be happy and radiate that happiness.
Maybe your family be being held together by you. Maybe not. But its not upto you. Its not fair. Trust me - I know how selfish that sounds - but it is true. And you need to let them know this. They all need to be making an effort.
Until that happens - you need to take care of yourself. Cause if you dont - who will?
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