I don't know what to do with myself

so i told myself that now is the time......... and it is...............................

now is the time that i have to have complete confidence in myself

and it is


i am starting grad school in january, but not a reputable grad program, a distance one that is just really really really well suited for me and how i think........ which is quite the gamble. in fact i have been told by the dean of the anthro department at the u of c that the program that i am in will make it harder for me to get into a doctorate program (which i essentially have to get into right after my masters because there is no hope of me being able to pay off my student loans if i do not)........................

but i have to do what i have to do

i have told a friend this and it is really true, i am making a $25,000 dollar gamble on the belief that i am worth what i believe that i am worth, that i am as intellegent as i want to believe that i am............................

and this is really fucking with my brain

i have been trained, right from young, to believe that i am worthless, that i am low class, that i have nothing to offer...................

no i am not blaming my parents, it is far more ingrained than anything they have the power to do. and it is not really about blame anyway, for any thought to have any vailidity you must let it exist in your reality.

but now is the time, i am risking everything because i have nothing to loose. and i have to come to terms with the fact that the only thing that makes anyone anything is their belief in theirself.

there is no higher power 'out there', there is only the power of your faith in yourself.

this is really fucking me up inside, but it is about time. i need to face reality for what it is: malleable

Neither wandering around naked, nor matted hair, nor mud
Neither fasting, nor sleeping on hard ground,
Nor dust and dirt, nor austure acts in the crouching posture
Clenses the mortal that does not transend doubt